You know, “new year, new me” but actually do it. Change my hair, my face, my clothes. Change my attitude, and fight back my anxiety and actually go out and make friends. I used to be really popular, everyone loved me and I still don’t know why. I just… was. And now, I just analyze myself every day and find the problems and how to solve them, but I never do. I just sit here and let misery consume every part of my being. My anxiety has been growing more sever as time passes and I refuse to be immobilized by fear. I might not be able to be the person I was at 17 entirely, but I was really fucking happy then, and I haven’t been happy since. So maybe I should just try to live how I used to. I can’t afford to be a drug addict again, obviously, but maybe I’ve been taking life too seriously.

Sure, I’m graduating with highest honors and everyone is really happy… except me. Maybe I should get a mohawk, I should dress all crazy, I should get high and meet people and laugh and have fun and feel like I’m on top of the world. Maybe I don’t have to be patient. Maybe I don’t have to be wise. Maybe I just have to fucking live. Maybe I should just act my age for once, instead of always trying to do the right thing and get to the right place. I’ve got my whole life to grow up, I don’t have to be an adult yet. And I don’t want to be. It fucking sucks.

So any kids that actually read this, BE YOUNG AND STUPID AND HAVE AS MUCH FUN AS YOU CAN, because there will be a day when you can’t. I don’t want to waste this time, trapped in a shell, ignoring my heart and following my brain - do this, do that, it’s what you’re supposed to do. It’s not what I’m supposed to do, not yet. I’m supposed to wake up and not want to kill myself every fucking morning. It’s time for a change, a real change.

So please, self, stick to your guns this time, and make 2012 be the best year it can possibly be. 

You can do this.